Letting it all out

Letting it out…

My heart and mind are heavy, my heart hurts. I feel broken and I have been trying to remain positive and pray about my life and the feelings I have. I have made post about being positive and taking care of self, but lately nothing is working for me. I feel so empty and lost. Since my mom has passed away it seems that everything in my life, the past has surfaced. I am constantly thinking of the bad, cruel, and all the shitty things that has happened to me since I was a child hate this feeling and I do not know why everything is coming to mind and heart. I try to keep busy, so I do not think about stuff, but no matter what it happens, I’m thinking and sad and crying. Another thing is the nightmares which that right there is scary some things happened to me, and I still have nightmares about it and also nightmares of me seeing my mom’s lifeless body. That is why I have not been sleeping really. I see my mom and her condition before she passed. I was taking care of her while she was in hospice care from home and watching her day-by-day change and watching her body fail and seeing her take her last breath the look on her face and all, that is what I see when I am trying to sleep. It was so hard to see and horrible going through it. It is still hard for me it has been four months and I’m not over it at all. I do not know what to do. Yes, I am not going to lie I am mad, mad at the world, and mad at myself. I have been feeling like I do not want to be here on this earth. Like, why cannot I shake these feelings, I do not like feeling this way, all I do lately is cry, cry, cry, cry. Why is it so hard? I have been too much in my mind and in the past for some weeks now, and it has me all messed up, very emotional.

Damn what is going on with me? For those who has lost someone how do you go on? How to you heal?

It is hard and I feel very lonely and scared ad mainly scared of myself. Again, trying to make it through the days but it seems my life is spiraling. Sigh, what to do? Letting it all out tonight. My feelings, my thoughts sorry to those who feel it is a dark and negative blog entry. I am my true self and I express my true. Just going through a lot and emotional and need to vent. Thank you for reading.

9 thoughts on “Letting it all out

  1. Everyone seems to find their own way back up out of a loss. I have already lost both my parents, and some others. But I do have spiritual teachings and spiritual knowledge about death and emotions that do help me along.

    A friend of mine lost her mother very recently, and she had a hard time, too – still is.

    But you do have a little edge. You are a writer! I have written some stories just for fun, and other stories to teach. But when I lost track of one of my closest friends and thought I might never see her again, I wrote a story about that, too. I used different names so it wouldn’t be too invasive of privacy. And I wrote it as a piece of fiction, not a memoir. But I recalled every important detail I could think of that involved how I had become so attached to this friend, and I put them all in the story.

    Finally, my friend turned up. I was embarrassed to show her the story, but I did and she read it. She liked it, even though she didn’t understand the ending!

    I urge you to try writing a fiction story, but with details from your real experiences. You could find more advice on my blog, but I’m not sure you need too much advice, really. This sort of thing happens to us all the time. Most of us find our ways through it. I trust you will, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh dear, this is a whole lot to unpack. First, let me express my sympathy for the loss of your mom. I can imagine the pain that you’re experiencing on this loss, because I lost my mom as well, only difference here, I was a toddler. So I most likely was totally clueless to the exact magnitude of the loss of a parent, let alone my mom. But I can definitely say that through out my life I’ve felt the void, but I had a whole lot of support and powerful women around me to nurture me just as good as she would have. But, I digress…grief is an emotion that everyone process in different ways. Some overcome faster than others. I’d say take all the time you need to cry and allow yourself to heal. This was your mother after all. Pray a lot, don’t be afraid to seek help if you need it, try not to be alone if you feel to depressed and most of all REMEMBER YOUR MOTHER and ALL THE GOOD TIMES WITH AND THINGS ABOUT HER! You’d get over it, but there is no fast and easy way!

    Liked by 1 person

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