Hay everyone. How is everyone’s night? Mine is not too good tonight it has been a long and dragged-on day. Why? My migraines ugh hate them, like seriously. I have been feeling drained all day and my damn face hurting. These migraines just take over sometimes. It was very painful through work and some meetings that I had but I pushed through and was hoping to get a lot of writing done today but that did not happen I tried a little but had to take a break and try to find a calm space.
Hopefully, I am all better tomorrow because I did not like the way I was feeling today. Not good at all hopefully I can get some sleep. Ughhh pain please go away. I hope that yall day was better and hope you guys have a great night. remember to love yourself through it all and thank you for reading.
Okay, so an update, my mom’s family decided and made a decision I’m sure a really hard one and took my grandpa off life support earlier today. R.I.P. to my grandpa I can not lie and say I am doing okay. I am in breakdown mode. He and my mom are together, and I know they will continue to watch over me and be with me. I am sad and just down, very down. Seriously I cannot concentrate, and again like I stated in my blog earlier my emotions are everywhere. WTF and my mind is going miles. Kind of pissed I had to find out on Facebook but I know people are going through it and feeling the loss and grief so I can not take it too personally and take it for what it is. Such a sad night and sorry for the negative post. Your girl is just going through a lot right now and no lie feel like losing it.
Smoking and drinking(Yeah some do not agree and so what), trying to feel numb that is my night, my mood and honestly, I do not care. Craziness… Too much going on. For real I am kind of panicking. Yeah, such a damn day and night.
She venting AGAIN
Love you all and hope your night is better
Again, praying for my family. Strength, guidance, healing, protection, and love.
So today I am trying to keep it all together I have been praying all night as well as this morning. I am in a mood this morning and trying to shake these feelings but man nothing is helping at the moment, I know it is morning, but I really want a few drinks just to feel a little numb. On my mom’s side of the family her dad, my grandpa is on life support, and I am feeling down and depressed about it. The last time I have seen him was around this time last year when I went with my mom to Kansas City, Missouri to see her family before she passed. I am at a loss right now and maybe feeling a little guilty for not talking to him or seeing him sooner. I feel bad and beating myself up about it. He is a good man and been good to his family.
Got that news yesterday as well as news of my uncle on my dad side, his big brother is not feeling well and might be going to hospice due to kidney failure which is what my mom dealt with and she died of kidney failure, which in two weeks it will be a year since she passed. She is always on my mind and often want her. So much is going on with me right now, just want to escape it all. Praying for all my family and hoping things get better. It just seems like it is always something especially when I am trying to overcome things of the past. Ugh, today is not a good one, hopefully, I can get over it all. This post is nothing new about my feelings its just I feel it is too much at one time and I feel hopeless, lost, and scared. So tired of losses Damn. Might have to take a trip to Kansas City, Missouri to see family and give my support to my family.
I am sad, hurt, emotions all over the place.
Just wanted to come and vent my heart is heavy all over again and still thinking about my mom so I’m just a lost cause today. Please pray for me. Thank you all for the support and reading my blog I know I tend to just ramble.
Want to say Happy Heavenly Birthday to my mom. Even though I am sad and still hurt that she is not here I am going to be strong today. Do my writing like I know she wants me to continue to do. Really wish I can hear her voice but again I am going to make it through this day with happy memories of her. Missing her so much and still praying for healing and strength. I love and miss you, mom. Just Showing love to my mom. And know strength is needed badly. Prayers going up
When you are down and out and have lost everything. Lose people or anything that is close to you. Lose your house, car, and job. Losing your sanity. That lost and confused feeling comes. You have to start over. When this happens, you fear the unknown because you feel down and feel like your world is at the end. Your emotions are everywhere. Sometimes panic sets in. You have to take those deep breaths and have faith that in the end, it will work out.
The feeling of starting over. Reset your life and try again. Taking it one step at a time. Through the tears and struggles to get back to your normal self and normal way of life before you lost it all. Get back to a happy place. That feeling of questioning yourself and what’s around you, feeling that you are not worthy because of what you go through. That feeling of being scared and not understanding what’s going on in your life. You keep telling yourself to think positive
Starting over. It is a process and something you will not be able to rush. Starting over can be scary and something you will not want to deal with. The feeling of starting over it is draining. But you can heal and get your joy back. The feeling of knowing that it will be okay and that it’s not the end of the world. You are grateful that things are falling into place. The feeling of having to start all over is no more. Still continue to have faith and move with strength and guidance. Sometimes starting over can be a good thing. Pray and Be thankful no matter what.
Grief is hard to deal with and it is a stressful and overwhelming prolonged process, depending on the person. Grief can take over sometimes. Dealing with the stages of grief acceptance, denial, depression, anger, bargaining, and shock leaves a person feeling down and lost and sometimes no sense of direction when dealing with it all. These stages come to you at any given time. Grieving and feeling like maybe you could have done something different is so draining. Just want to talk about it. Something everyone experienced and would like to share mine.
It has been nine and a half months since my mom has passed. I have often shared my feelings on it on this blog. I am still healing. There have been some really bad and dark days where I did not know what was going to happen to myself or if I would make it through the day. Some days I think of the happy memories and sometimes that helps deal with the pain of it all. Often question why and ask for understanding. I tell you this grieving thing is hard. Thoughts and feelings just pop up at any time and no matter how hard I try to stop the feeling it just does not work at times, guess that is life. Holidays are extremely hard and emotional my mom was a person who was big on holidays and always wanted to celebrate. She would make her own decorations art and craft was her hobby, she loved making pinatas, especially for her grandkid’s birthdays. During holidays and birthdays, I have to try and remember the 4 R’s which are to relax, re-orient, rely, and remember and try to be calm and positive. Yeah, so some days I think of all that and how it is no more of that. This grief thing is tricky you think you are okay and then you are not. I do write about my feelings on it a lot because writing is an outlet and the feelings are so strong and I do not have anyone to talk to but my notebooks, and blog. It is weird how some places I do not want to go to because they were her favorite places to go and shop or eat. Do yall think that is crazy? I try some days to overcome it, but it is a challenge I get anxious. And not to mention I grieve over my grandma still who passed when I was about 12 or 13, we were close, so I am always thinking about them both and I know they are together in heaven.
I know in life we will experience the loss of a loved one or any type of loss. That does not mean it is easy to get over, it seems like it gets worse I am constantly thinking about her and wanting to talk to her. Man, grief sucks a lot and I freaking hate it. Another reason I like to write about it is that if I stopped writing my mom will be highly upset, she was a big supporter she wanted me to write her life story and, she had ideas to do books for kids. I miss her so much and our talks. my writing comes from my grandma she uses to write poetry and I use to read them and wanted to start writing on my own. Grief Sucks yeah, I will keep stating that
I know for a fact of course in this life and world that I am not alone dealing with loss and grief. It is not easy at all. Especially still having to work and take care of my family, I feel so empty sometimes and often want to be alone in my bed. Not only do I have to deal with just my feelings on the loss but my kid’s and siblings’ feelings also. Have to make sure they are doing okay. It gets hard, I am still hurt and feel confused, feel pained. Again, grief sucks a lot
I pray we all heal from losing someone, I pray we have the strength to make it through those tough days. I pray we find peace and happiness as we are healing. Must take it slow and give yourself time to fully understand everything. Just wanted to touch on this topic I know that people do not like to deal with it or maybe hear about it. But it is a part of life whether we like it or not. Again, to those grieving, I pray for you and your family. Praying helps and with time heals. One day at a time……Damn loss and grief
Blessings and Love!
Thank you for reading
**Honestly not that long of a post and this really took me three days to write..**
Are you a person who can easily walk away from challenging situations? Are you a person who can easily forgive? Easily forget the negative.
Me I am not that person. I worry too much and think about the past way too much. Something I do not like about myself. I am always on edge and thinking about my past makes it worst and then anxiety kicks in. Wish it were easy for me to forget stuff, to forgive, and trust more. Want to easily walk away with no wounds. Wishful thinking huh? Yeah, it is annoying at times, and wish I could just leave the negative shit in the past. I worry too much it is crazy. Again, wish I can easily walk away from all the bad. Worrying a lot is stressful.
Ugh too much on my mind right now and want to getaway. Head spinning and mind racing fast. You ever had one of those days? Praying on it as always. Just writing to get my thoughts, feelings, and venting out. Sometimes I have to whether it is a negative post or not. I just want to be able to forgive and forget. I am me and right now I am worrying and having anxiety, must admit writing does help as it is calming for a moment. Praying for all of those having those bad days. Breathe and pray about it. Have faith.