Lately I have been off and trying to get back to me and be happy. Trying to get these books done and have other projects in the works.
Strength is needed!!! Sometimes I need to slow down.
I want to start a new business where I will be a ghostwriter. Still have to get that started. Also want to design book covers for authors. I have been doing some practice with book designs and flyers it is something I love to do. Just wishing it turns out good for me. That is definitely in the works.
Constant new ideas coming, and I let my mind and pen flow with it. That is just Ray’Elaine. Just Write and be you!
Yes, there is more to come!!!
Blessings and Love
Thank you for reading.
***Such a random post lol*** More of me and book links below!!!
Lonely days with nothing but these thoughts, bad ones, negative ones oh man. Sitting in the dark trying to block out everything wondering why. That is what is mostly on my mind all the time, all the bad that has gone on again I ask why? Why me? Lonely nights sitting in the dark with a bottle of liquor in my hands drowning in the liquor trying to drink all the pain away, yes still in the dark its better this way. No reflection of myself and nobody looking this way, good do not want any to see me, just drowning. The past is what brings me here always like why? Why this? Why that? Lonely days and nights turn into darkness, depression, anxiety, pain, despair, and sadness. Lonely with tears in my eyes as I ask myself why. A question to my past. Always lonely and in the dark trying to climb out my own head away from the negative thoughts, climb out my depression, away from my past, away from the madness, and from my lonely why.
My heart and mind are heavy, my heart hurts. I feel broken and I have been trying to remain positive and pray about my life and the feelings I have. I have made post about being positive and taking care of self, but lately nothing is working for me. I feel so empty and lost. Since my mom has passed away it seems that everything in my life, the past has surfaced. I am constantly thinking of the bad, cruel, and all the shitty things that has happened to me since I was a child hate this feeling and I do not know why everything is coming to mind and heart. I try to keep busy, so I do not think about stuff, but no matter what it happens, I’m thinking and sad and crying. Another thing is the nightmares which that right there is scary some things happened to me, and I still have nightmares about it and also nightmares of me seeing my mom’s lifeless body. That is why I have not been sleeping really. I see my mom and her condition before she passed. I was taking care of her while she was in hospice care from home and watching her day-by-day change and watching her body fail and seeing her take her last breath the look on her face and all, that is what I see when I am trying to sleep. It was so hard to see and horrible going through it. It is still hard for me it has been four months and I’m not over it at all. I do not know what to do. Yes, I am not going to lie I am mad, mad at the world, and mad at myself. I have been feeling like I do not want to be here on this earth. Like, why cannot I shake these feelings, I do not like feeling this way, all I do lately is cry, cry, cry, cry. Why is it so hard? I have been too much in my mind and in the past for some weeks now, and it has me all messed up, and very emotional.
Damn, what is going on with me? For those who have lost someone, how do you go on? How to you heal?
It is hard and I feel very lonely and scared ad mainly scared of myself. Again, trying to make it through the days but it seems my life is spiraling. Sigh, what to do? Letting it all out tonight. My feelings, my thoughts sorry to those who feel it is a dark and negative blog entry. I am my true self and I express my true. Just going through a lot and emotional and need to vent. Thank you for reading.
So tonight, I am sitting and thinking. And of course, this damn dude is on my mind. Like what the fuck, why? My emotions are everywhere and yes, I am a little tipsy and besides what I am dealing with I am thinking of him. Again why? Oh, my yall I am irritating my damn self at the moment. Cannot help but to think is this real? Does he really feel the same way I do, shit does he really like me? Here I go feeling young-minded and questioning myself and the situation instead of letting it all go and that is not good. Just feel confused and out of it, maybe I should just walk away and forget it all thought it was what I wanted but I do not know now. I have mixed emotions and we are both dealing with things. That is why I do not like putting my feelings out there I feel dumb and used it to benefit them talk and texting on their time. Thinking yeah it is too good to be true. Just wish I could find realness, real love besides what I can offer. Ugh it's
too good to be true and I am pissed off. I really need a friend and love I feel dumb and stupid and I am thinking why me why I cannot get what I give. Venting, thinking, and letting it all out, I am rambling, ugh irritated though.
Really hate when I try my hardest to get over someone who my feelings were too involved with. Had strong feelings for them and I feel used, I feel uneasy. Seems like they really did not care about me, do not love me the way they said SMH. Been four months since I have heard from this person. But now he is trying to reach out to me. Like why? I am so pissed right now and yes; I am having a little anxiety. Have posted to my blog in the past about this person. No, it is not the first time he has just out of nowhere stopped talking to me. This is a cycle ugh and me do not like it at all. I do not understand it, maybe because twice already I have allowed it. Thinking he is already in a relationship and just talking to me for his convenience. In the past I did have feelings and wanted to give it another chance and that lasted all but three freaking months and not really with consistency. Here I go questioning myself and feeling confused and lost. So over it, told myself the last time that if he did it again that it would be done. I am standing on that. Cannot keep putting my love, my feelings, my soul, my mind, myself out there for people to keep hurting me, laughing at me. Especially when I am already going through so much stuff. Do not need the extra stress in my life.
Whew, breathe had to pause and write about this because it bothers me badly and you know that I like to write about how I feel. Let it all out. **Shrugs** SMH thinking damn again, why? What do he want from me? I know I am not the only one who have been here before. Hate when my feelings are strong and for the wrong freaking person. Now he misses me and want me, sending a lot of messages since Sunday evening. Need a drink something strong. It makes no sense. Was having a good day until this BS, UGH. Going to keep breathing and calm myself and focus on my writings. Try not to let it really get under my skin cause really have harsh ass words for him.
My feelings and venting are out and done, my bad if its too much for you all. Again, I vent and keep it real. He deserves my fist to his face seriously. Whew breathe again.
Am I crazy? The only one? Why? Hope your day and night was better.
Venting….I really am trying to keep my faith and belief. I try to have patience and not think negatively. But when so much is going on in your life, and shit happens back-to-back it is hard to think positive. I feel like I am in a trance a bad one. I am just not okay today and trying to pray, trying to write, hoping that things will get better. I am at a loss right now thinking about my mom and grandpa and of course my day-to-day struggles and dealing with other people’s shit. My non-exitant love life. Feelings/ emotions are everywhere tonight. Seriously!
Ugh, what a day, what a night. Trying my hardest to not overthink. Just keep writing and keep busy…Hate when this happens but will make it through. Breathe and relax I say to myself.
Push through it no matter what. Venting a little sorry. Mind is just going right now. Hope you all are having a good weekend and making those goals. And having a fun-filled weekend. Tomorrow is a new day to begin fresh.