Tag Archives: Venting

Letting it all out…

Short Stories, thoughts, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Letting it out…

My heart and mind are heavy, my heart hurts. I feel broken and I have been trying to remain positive and pray about my life and the feelings I have. I have made post about being positive and taking care of self, but lately nothing is working for me. I feel so empty and lost. Since my mom has passed away it seems that everything in my life, the past has surfaced. I am constantly thinking of the bad, cruel, and all the shitty things that has happened to me since I was a child hate this feeling and I do not know why everything is coming to mind and heart. I try to keep busy, so I do not think about stuff, but no matter what it happens, I’m thinking and sad and crying. Another thing is the nightmares which that right there is scary some things happened to me, and I still have nightmares about it and also nightmares of me seeing my mom’s lifeless body. That is why I have not been sleeping really. I see my mom and her condition before she passed. I was taking care of her while she was in hospice care from home and watching her day-by-day change and watching her body fail and seeing her take her last breath the look on her face and all, that is what I see when I am trying to sleep. It was so hard to see and horrible going through it. It is still hard for me it has been 5 years, 5 months, 23 days ago and I’m still not over it at all. I do not know what to do.

Yes, I am not going to lie I am mad, mad at the world, and mad at myself. I have been feeling like I do not want to be here on this earth. Like, why cannot I shake these feelings, I do not like feeling this way, all I do lately is cry, cry, cry, cry. Why is it so hard? I have been too much in my mind and in the past for some weeks now, and it has me all messed up, and very emotional.

Damn, what is going on with me? For those who have lost someone, how do you go on? How to you heal?

It is hard and I feel very lonely and scared ad mainly scared of myself. Again, trying to make it through the days but it seems my life is spiraling. Sigh, what to do? Letting it all out tonight. My feelings, my thoughts sorry to those who feel it is a dark and negative blog entry. I am my true self and I express my true. Just going through a lot and emotional and need to vent. Thank you for reading.

T.N.T-Tuesday Thought!!

thoughts, , , , , , , , , , ,

Sorry Not Sorry

Thinking, maybe overthinking……..

I want to talk about how irritating it is when someone constantly tells me they are sorry for something they repeatedly do. I do not get it at all. Does anybody else get annoyed with this? I mean, why say you are sorry when you really are not. It is not hard to be upfront and real with someone instead of lying and saying you are sorry. That irritates me. Like seriously, do not tell me you are sorry and you do not mean it, or just tell me to send me off. Or don’t keep repeating the same messed-up behaviors and saying sorry for it time and time again. If you have to constantly lie to me, please choose to move on and not be around me; not too much to ask for.

Ugh okay just thinking out loud tonight, some people are so insensitive. Am I the only one?

Blessings and Love! 🖤🤎💙💛💗💚🧡💜❤

Thank you for reading.

Confession II

Prompts, Short Stories, thoughts, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Daily writing prompt
What’s something most people don’t know about you?

This is a good question. Though I was uncertain about writing and sharing this, I decided to just do it. So here goes. I feel like this is also a confession post. 

So, about 17/18 years ago when I was 18 and 19 years old, I felt that I was in the wrong body. I felt like I was not myself and didn’t like that feeling at all. I then started to think about transitioning into a man. Yes, I was thinking about being a transgender male. When I was a teenager, my mom would have a fit about me wanting to shop in the boys’ section. My brothers would be mad at me for stealing their clothes, lol. Seriously, boxers, jeans, etc. 

When I say this was on my mind constantly, it was. I was always doing research about it at the time. Looking up different surgeries to have and what types of hormone pills I would have to take. I also was looking into therapy about the whole thing. Of course, the cost of it all. 

I think about this a lot now days because it was something that I strongly wanted to do. There was fear in place at the time, thinking of the negatives about the matter and what my family would think. I think about the what-ifs of the matter if I would have gone through with it. 

Sometimes, I still feel like I am in the wrong body and wish I had gone through with it. Now, I just accept that I didn’t and try to be okay with my decision, though I really am not. 

Well, that is something people do not know about me…..Confessions lol 

I had to get that off my chest. It has really been on my mind lately like crazy. Questioning myself like should I have done it or not? Well, that’s it. Have a good one! 

Of course, a little vent session with a great writing prompt. 

Do you have any regrets? What is something most people don’t know about you? Care to share? 

Blessings and Love! 

Thank you for reading. 

Confession I

Straight Up!

thoughts, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

If you have to keep questioning my feelings and everything thing I say or do. You should leave me alone. Obviously, you don’t trust my words or me. Like damn, why bother. Just leave me the fuck alone if that’s the case. I don’t just put my feelings out there and when I do a person dismiss them or don’t believe them. This is why I like to stay guarded. Seriously why would I waste my time putting my feelings out there just because…. Make it make sense. Straight Up.


Wasted time……


If you don’t trust me, let me be. If your insecurities and Jealousy is in the way, fix it or keep it to yourself and away from me. That doesn’t seem like love to me, questioning what I do or how I do it all the time. So annoying and I can do without it. Straight Up.


Ugh Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t.


Story of my life and annoying.

Just my thoughts and venting a little…… Straight Up


Blessings and Love!
Thank you for reading.

Flaws!

Prompts, thoughts, , , , , , , , , , , ,

**I had a writing prompt that I wrote and working on and wanted to share. It is about my flaws, what they are, and how I feel about them. Might be familiar with some of what you read in this blog post because I share my true feelings from time to time. Still wanted to share this it’s everything in one lol.**

The writing prompt was: Write down the flaws that make you perfect the way you are.

I feel that my flaws are Trust issues, insecurity in my writing and self-publishing, self-doubt, control, and a bad attitude most of the time.

My flaws make me perfect the way I am because I feel like the trust issues that I have to keep me alert to new people I meet, and I keep them at a distance. I have trust issues because those close to me betrayed me. Most people think of someone cheating on you and that is what brings trust issues in people. But no, for me, it is everybody; I have had friends do me wrong and betray my trust, and I also have had family betray me. And at this point, I am damn sick of it and that is why I do not trust too many people. This flaw could be a terrible thing to others but for me, I am very aware of it and honest about it. The next thing is my insecurity in getting my book done and published. I am not going to lie I fear it, maybe scared of what type of feedback I would receive. I think I take my time with it; I want it to be perfect. Also, I do not know too much about publishing or self-publishing, so I am trying to do some research before I put my work out there for the public to read. Another insecurity in my writing is the promotion and marketing of it all. I need to get out of my shell and make things happen. Another flaw is being scared to take risks. I need to get out of that and fast.

The self-doubting is a flaw. I second guess myself all the time, which is not good but something I am aware of and working on. My controlling habits, I tend to want to be in control of everything around me. Like I hate to sit back and not be a part of something that I think I should be a part of. Also controlling in a way that I want others to do as I say when I say, I get irritated if they don’t or if I feel they are moving too slow for my liking. I know, crazy, right? I am also working on that as well as a bad attitude.

These flaws make me perfect the way I am because I am fully aware of what areas I need to work on and am honest with people about my flaws. Though I feel I am perfect with these flaws, I know that some things need to change. I can admit my strengths and weaknesses and still be proud of who I am. There is no shame in that. I am a work in progress, striving to get better.

Have a better way of thinking and a better life. My flaws make me perfect the way I am. It does not mean perfect in anything but perfect for me.

Do you have flaws that make you perfect the way you are? Care to share? Thoughts?

Blessings and Love!

Thank you for reading.

**Sharing my true feelings. Write it all out. Flaws and all!!**

Worry….ME

thoughts, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Are you a person who can easily walk away from challenging situations? Are you a person who can easily forgive? Easily forget the negative.

I am not that person. I worry too much and think about the past way too much. Something I do not like about myself. I am always on edge, and thinking about my past makes it worse, and then anxiety kicks in. Wish it were easy for me to forget stuff, to forgive, and to trust more. Want to easily walk away with no wounds. Wishful thinking huh? Yeah, it is annoying at times, and wish I could just leave the negative shit in the past. I worry too much it is crazy. Again, wish I can easily walk away from all the bad. Worrying a lot is stressful.

Ugh, too much on my mind right now, and I want to get away. Head spinning and mind racing fast. Have you ever had one of those days? Praying for it as always. Just writing to get my thoughts and feelings and vent out. Sometimes I have to whether it is a negative post or not. I just want to be able to forgive and forget. I am me, and right now, I am worrying and having anxiety, I must admit writing does help as it calms me for a moment. Praying for all of those having those bad days. Breathe and pray about it. Have faith.

Blessings and Love!

Thank you for reading.

50/50 

thoughts, , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes I wish I could be a people pleaser. Forever. Be what everyone wants me to be at all times. Sometimes I feel that way. On the other hand, I am tired of it. At my age and how I have been feeling these days I want to focus on my kids and myself. I feel like I have spent half of my life doing for others no matter what and have nothing to show for it. Nobody has or is doing the same for me. 50/50. Some people want you to jump and be there for them whenever, and they can care less about what is going on with you or how you are doing. It is all about what they can get out of you. Again, I am so tired of it. Feeling like if it is not about my kids or anything for them it is not for me. They are my main focus no matter what. At my age, I do need to get back to loving myself and doing better. 50/50. Sometimes I do wish life could be all about me, myself, and I. my wants and needs. There are times when I feel like I do not know who I am and what I really like when it comes to certain things. I have always been wrapped in other people’s lives and problems and what they needed. Here i am thinking life has passed me by, it’s all a blur and I am constantly trying to make things clearer. 50/50. The 50 percent of my life that was mine and the other 50 percent that was not. It is a 50/50 thing. 

-50/50- 

Blessings and Love! 

Thank you for reading. 

Just A Thought

thoughts, , , , , , , , , , , ,


Think I’m Ready to find and meet my person my love my soulmate. Ready for real love also thinking maybe I can do without it 🤷🏾‍♀️ -Ray Ray-

Thinking about soulmates and love again. SMH. Sometimes I don’t really know what the hell I want when it comes to relationships and feelings. Anybody else feel like this from time to time?

My little thoughts tonight…..

Have a good one

Blessings and Love!

Thank you for reading.

Nightly Vent…

thoughts, , , , , , , , , ,

Hello my blog peeps!

Lately, so much has been going on, and I am feeling so overwhelmed. Of course, I am trying to keep it all together. Tonight I am really in overthinking mode, and my head is spinning. Family is what is on my mind. Dealing with losses and having a heavy heart. Praying for healing and strength. Whew, I need to take a breather.

Wish I could keep a calm mind. Hopefully, some music helps. Vent it out!

Hope you all have a good night.

Blessings and Love!

Thank you for reading

Me, Again 

thoughts, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Just sitting here thinking about the old me. Well back when things were great, and I was happy. I am feeling nostalgic right now. Memories are flooding me. Just thinking and asking myself how I get back there, to my happy self. I feel like I am trying but I am not there yet.  

Constantly questioning what am I doing right and what am I doing wrong. Thinking of ways to fix me, I feel like a burden to those around me due to my unhappiness, and feeling down, depressed, and constantly shutting down. I try to hide it and not mention how I am really feeling. But indeed, I am trying to figure it out. I do not know what is going on with me, I pray I get out of this, I pray I get back to the real me. 

I want to feel alive again. Just be free and me. Happy and at peace. 

Has anyone else felt like this? Do you sometimes feel out of place? Like you do not belong because you are different?  

I do not know I am rambling and of course thinking aloud. Maybe Ray’Elaine is in her feelings. 

 I am still working on me. Always a work in progress. Always room for improvement. 

-Sigh- I need me again! Real Shit! 

Blessings and Love! 

Thank you for.