It has been some days without me writing or actually doing anything. I have been in a bad mood and trying to shake these feelings. This grieving shit is annoying it’s understandable but so annoying. One minute I am okay, able to get things done and I am content, than the next I am a emotional wreck ugh. Wanna just SCREAM. Yes I know it is a process and healing and getting over things take some time. I just hate being emotional and having these feelings. I’m a person who don’t like to show my emotions or feel them uhh. Some days it takes a lot out of me, feel so drained and sad. I know I have to be strong for myself and my family, but it is so hard grieving and being on top of everything. I guess I have to continue to pray and take it one day at a time and trust that it will all get better.
Today I am going to try and stay busy and not think too much on negative things or sad things. Just breathe, relax, and pray. I hope you all have a good day I know I will try too. It’s almost Friday!!!
My mind is hazy my eyes are watered I am confused as I look down at the object in my hand, I could not have, no this is not happening. As I look around me and see all the damage that was done, I start panicking and screaming the mess before me was a terrifying scene.
I ran to the bathroom and the face before me was not mine. Who is this person what have they done with the old me?
Then I look down at my bloody hands trying to figure what has happened I try washing the blood from my hands and arm I am scrubbing hard and screaming the word no over and over. Then there was pain all through my body, then DARKNESS………… WTF
Have you ever met somebody, and you hit it off, and you two get along? The good conversations, then boom it freaking ends. Ugh I hate that. That is why I try not to get too attached and get my feelings involved, because people will switch up and change on you. Like do not introduce me to that if you cannot keep it up. I do not like the “oh I will talk to you only on my time” which is when or who knows when can you say irritated? I like consistency is that hard to ask for? I also do not like my time wasted that is so annoying or do not like my damn feelings hurt. These days it is so hard to find a nice genuine person like myself. Maybe I will take a seat and focus on me. Time to myself and not worrying about pleasing the next person. I really liked the person but oh well what can you do? I will move on and let it go. Whatever. Wasted my damn time, SMH
So tonight, I am sitting and thinking. And of course, this damn dude is on my mind. Like what the fuck, why? My emotions are everywhere and yes, I am a little tipsy and besides what I am dealing with I am thinking of him. Again why? Oh, my yall I am irritating my damn self at the moment. Cannot help but to think is this real? Does he really feel the same way I do, shit does he really like me? Here I go feeling young-minded and questioning myself and the situation instead of letting it all go and that is not good. Just feel confused and out of it, maybe I should just walk away and forget it all thought it was what I wanted but I do not know now. I have mixed emotions and we are both dealing with things. That is why I do not like putting my feelings out there I feel dumb and used it to benefit them talk and texting on their time. Thinking yeah it is too good to be true. Just wish I could find realness, real love besides what I can offer. Ugh it's
too good to be true and I am pissed off. I really need a friend and love I feel dumb and stupid and I am thinking why me why I cannot get what I give. Venting, thinking, and letting it all out, I am rambling, ugh irritated though.
Its funny or crazy how I am feeling about this situation I got myself into. On one hand it is what I want, what I being wanting. But on the other hand, I feel that shit is off, and something just do not seem right. Sometimes I think I am getting in my own way or thinking way too much. Maybe I am scared to take that leap. I do not know right now I am over analyzing the situation. Now I have talked about this man a lot and thought that maybe it was or who I wanted but like I said shit do not seem right. I have extraordinarily strong feelings for him, and I keep telling myself to go for it. What Is stopping me? A question I ask myself all the time. He has been checking on me lately to see if I am okay and I love that he seems like he really cares but of course I think that it is too good to be true something else I wrote about. I have to really make my mind up plan and stick with it; I do not want to get hurt and I do not want to hurt anybody feelings. I just do not know what to do, I like him and we vibe well, I like our conversations and we can talk about anything, I also feel like I and be myself around him even with this there is still some doubt. And I am not the type who worry about what others think about me or my life. When I think of me and him in a relationship, I always think about what my family will think it is weird because I usual do not care what people say or think.
Maybe it is me I got some things to decide. What will you do in this situation? Should I just say forget it all? Should I quit over thinking/analyzing?
Well, I am just venting on this Monday of course got to let it out. My feelings, My thoughts. Have a great night people and I thank you for reading. Love and Blessings
I walked away, I said I am done, I can not do this no more. I was in a relationship off and on for eight years, and there were only two years it was good, and I was happy in the relationship. I feel like I wasted my time, wasted my life, wasted my love, all while trying to help the other person build them up and give them chance after chance. During those years I forgot about myself. I stayed to try and work it out for our kids, again forgetting about myself forgetting about my feelings in the process. I felt alone and hopeless for years. He did not want to help me do anything or help with anything; he was just there. Talking was pointless because when I would speak my mind on how things were, I would get called names or he would say I was nagging and all I asked for was help with our kids and help with bills. I could never get that. I felt weak, lost, lonely, defeated, and depressed handling everything on my own including my own battles while in a relationship and taking care of everything. The relationship drained me, it was bad it was abuse on both of our sides and I am not happy about that, I was a different person, I became very mean and never wanted to be bother with. Deep depression and looking at my children face I knew we needed a change and that I needed to do better for them and focus only on them. Damn I honestly felt like I was shit, like I was no good. He always worked and had jobs and would get paid and go hang out with his family and friends his priorities were always off, that’s part of the reason I felt like I was no good because I could not get the man, I gave children to, gave my love to, and slept with every night could not help me with the simplest shit. Wow I cannot believe I went through that and stayed with him if I did. I went through so much hurt and pain and sadness alone. I could not talk to him, too many arguments, so I just shut down. Happy to say for the last two years I been single, but he stills begs to have his family back, and it gets annoying. Seriously how many chances should you give a person. Eight years and nothing had changed, and it seemed to be getting worse, so I had to end it for my peace, happiness, and sanity. Then he will tell me that nobody will ever want me and if they did it will only be for sex; he stills says that I am his forever. Just had to walk away. I made a post some days ago about how I felt about him, the hate is strong and the fact that he keeps wanting to get back together makes it worst. I do not understand why he wants to be together when I tried time after time to talk to him and figure things out and make it work but he never wanted to hear it. Now he mad because he messed up. Honestly feel like he was using me for a place to stay. Man, tired of it, all I want is peace. I do not like arguing with him and losing my cool. Wish he would understand, and we could co parent without the drama. Been trying to move on for two years and it has been a long ride.
Just had to let that out I do not want to be bitter about the past, I want to live happy and have no drama. Want this hatred out my heart, we do have to be around each other for our kids. Still lost and do not know what to do. I am just venting and getting my feelings out it was heavy on my mind, feel a little better. Praying for a better year.
Thank you for reading.
*Repost- wrote this 12/31/2020*
Wanted to share again, something I am happy I did.