Tag Archives: hurt

Starting over.

When you are down and out and have lost everything. Lose people or anything that is close to you. Lose your house, car, and job. Losing your sanity. That lost and confused feeling comes. You have to start over. When this happens, you fear the unknown because you feel down and feel like your world is at the end. Your emotions are everywhere. Sometimes panic sets in. You have to take those deep breaths and have faith that in the end, it will work out.

The feeling of starting over. Reset your life and try again. Taking it one step at a time. Through the tears and struggles to get back to your normal self and normal way of life before you lost it all. Get back to a happy place. That feeling of questioning yourself and what’s around you, feeling that you are not worthy because of what you go through. That feeling of being scared and not understanding what’s going on in your life. You keep telling yourself to think positive

Starting over. It is a process and something you will not be able to rush. Starting over can be scary and something you will not want to deal with. The feeling of starting over it is draining. But you can heal and get your joy back. The feeling of knowing that it will be okay and that it’s not the end of the world. You are grateful that things are falling into place. The feeling of having to start all over is no more. Still continue to have faith and move with strength and guidance. Sometimes starting over can be a good thing. Pray and Be thankful no matter what.

Just thinking out loud!

Blessings and Love!

Thank you for reading.

Battle With Myself II

Battle with Myself II

Still here battling the

Inner me

Scars that scream out

Damn these struggles

Even with them I

Try to rise above

Within the struggles

Remain

Beautiful

Smart

Women

Remain positive

Stand my ground

Battles that I try

To overcome

Try not to

Let it keep

Me down

Get the grasp

Of life

Love

Hope

The world

Even with these battles

I am becoming

One with me

Grown woman

Inner me

Battles

It will not last long

Well

That is what they say

Battles

Do not say

They leave wounds

Battle in me

Going to

Go down

I will keep

Fighting

Destroying

Who comes against me

Taking them as they come

Struggle/battles

Life battles

I will win

Even with

The demons within

The dark side of ME

Still this

Battle within myself

Will subside.

A work in progress

Or maybe

The

Battle with myself continues….

Blessings and Love!

Thank you for reading.

**A Poem**

Loss and Grief

Loss and Grief.

Why?

Grief is hard to deal with and it is a stressful and overwhelming prolonged process, depending on the person. Grief can take over sometimes. Dealing with the stages of grief acceptance, denial, depression, anger, bargaining, and shock leaves a person feeling down and lost and sometimes no sense of direction when dealing with it all. These stages come to you at any given time. Grieving and feeling like maybe you could have done something different is so draining. Just want to talk about it. Something everyone experienced and would like to share mine.

It has been nine and a half months since my mom has passed. I have often shared my feelings on it on this blog. I am still healing. There have been some really bad and dark days where I did not know what was going to happen to myself or if I would make it through the day. Some days I think of the happy memories and sometimes that helps deal with the pain of it all. Often question why and ask for understanding. I tell you this grieving thing is hard. Thoughts and feelings just pop up at any time and no matter how hard I try to stop the feeling it just does not work at times, guess that is life. Holidays are extremely hard and emotional my mom was a person who was big on holidays and always wanted to celebrate. She would make her own decorations art and craft was her hobby, she loved making pinatas, especially for her grandkid’s birthdays. During holidays and birthdays, I have to try and remember the 4 R’s which are to relax, re-orient, rely, and remember and try to be calm and positive. Yeah, so some days I think of all that and how it is no more of that. This grief thing is tricky you think you are okay and then you are not. I do write about my feelings on it a lot because writing is an outlet and the feelings are so strong and I do not have anyone to talk to but my notebooks, and blog. It is weird how some places I do not want to go to because they were her favorite places to go and shop or eat. Do yall think that is crazy? I try some days to overcome it, but it is a challenge I get anxious. And not to mention I grieve over my grandma still who passed when I was about 12 or 13, we were close, so I am always thinking about them both and I know they are together in heaven.

I know in life we will experience the loss of a loved one or any type of loss. That does not mean it is easy to get over, it seems like it gets worse I am constantly thinking about her and wanting to talk to her. Man, grief sucks a lot and I freaking hate it. Another reason I like to write about it is that if I stopped writing my mom will be highly upset, she was a big supporter she wanted me to write her life story and, she had ideas to do books for kids. I miss her so much and our talks. my writing comes from my grandma she uses to write poetry and I use to read them and wanted to start writing on my own.  Grief Sucks yeah, I will keep stating that

I know for a fact of course in this life and world that I am not alone dealing with loss and grief. It is not easy at all. Especially still having to work and take care of my family, I feel so empty sometimes and often want to be alone in my bed. Not only do I have to deal with just my feelings on the loss but my kid’s and siblings’ feelings also. Have to make sure they are doing okay. It gets hard, I am still hurt and feel confused, feel pained. Again, grief sucks a lot

I pray we all heal from losing someone, I pray we have the strength to make it through those tough days. I pray we find peace and happiness as we are healing. Must take it slow and give yourself time to fully understand everything. Just wanted to touch on this topic I know that people do not like to deal with it or maybe hear about it. But it is a part of life whether we like it or not. Again, to those grieving, I pray for you and your family.  Praying helps and with time heals. One day at a time……Damn loss and grief

Blessings and Love!

Thank you for reading

**Honestly not that long of a post and this really took me three days to write..**

My Lonely Why…

My lonely Why

Lonely days with nothing but these thoughts, bad ones, negative ones oh man. Sitting in the dark trying to block out everything wondering why. That is what is mostly on my mind all the time, all the bad that has gone on again I ask why? Why me? Lonely nights sitting in the dark with a bottle of liquor in my hands drowning in the liquor trying to drink all the pain away, yes still in the dark its better this way. No reflection of myself and nobody looking this way, good do not want any to see me, just drowning. The past is what brings me here always like why? Why this? Why that? Lonely days and nights turn into darkness, depression, anxiety, pain, despair, and sadness. Lonely with tears in my eyes as I ask my self why. A question to my past. Always lonely and in the dark trying to climb out my own head away from the negative thoughts, climb out my depression, away from my past, away from the madness, and from my lonely why.

Thanks for reading.

**updated:12/15/2021**

Worry…ME

Are you a person who can easily walk away from challenging situations? Are you a person who can easily forgive? Easily forget the negative.

Me I am not that person. I worry too much and think about the past way too much. Something I do not like about myself. I am always on edge and thinking about my past makes it worst and then anxiety kicks in. Wish it were easy for me to forget stuff, to forgive, and trust more. Want to easily walk away with no wounds. Wishful thinking huh? Yeah, it is annoying at times, and wish I could just leave the negative shit in the past. I worry too much it is crazy. Again, wish I can easily walk away from all the bad. Worrying a lot is stressful.

Ugh too much on my mind right now and want to getaway. Head spinning and mind racing fast. You ever had one of those days? Praying on it as always. Just writing to get my thoughts, feelings, and venting out. Sometimes I have to whether it is a negative post or not. I just want to be able to forgive and forget. I am me and right now I am worrying and having anxiety, must admit writing does help as it is calming for a moment. Praying for all of those having those bad days. Breathe and pray about it. Have faith.

Blessings and Love!

Thank you for reading.

Boxed In

Inside the box

That they want you in

Feel funny

Not right

You not you

Them not really who they say

They are

Chaos

All around

In this box

Cornered

Scared

Hopeless

You not you

Them not what they say

In this little box

I suffer

I am quiet

Do what they want

It is their show

In this box

Sit still

No movement

Mind constantly going

Closed in

What is to come

In this box

Afraid

Lost

Find a way out

Screaming in this box

Let me out

You not you

Them not who they say

What to do in

This box

Let it be

Not say a word

Silence

Do not Speak

Keep it hush

You not you

Them not who they say

Can I trust me

Can I trust them

This box I

Am in

Will it be

My life

My sanity

This box

Take ownership

All on me

Pain, hurt, brainwashed

Happy pretending

Will I let them get away?

Do they win?

In this box

Alone

Or

Will I fight

Fight to

Get out this

Box

Confined

Struggling

Speaking but not heard

Will be weak no more

Awake

Ready

Scream, fight shout

My way

Out this

Box.

You not you

Them not who they say

This box

Me in it

Will go away.

I say think above it all

I say fuck that box

I survive,

That box can suck it!

Thank you for reading.

**A Poem**

Boxed in… No Thanks

Oh Man.. WTF!

Doing good then Boom…. Why?

Okay so everything was fine, and I am writing and then my mom pops up in my
head. Oh man that just made me pause and just start balling. Hate this feeling
and now feeling a little down. Why does this happen? Now I am going to pray
then turn on some music and hopefully stop feeling this way. UGh shake it off I’m
saying to myself. Maybe I need to go to bed. Put the notebooks and pens up and
rest. Maybe she is telling me something I don’t know. Ughh whatever music and a
shot of something strong, shower and the damn bed. And it is really past my bedtime lol have to be up at 5am. Just venting and a little freaked out. Praying for sure.

It comes and goes the emotions of missing my mom and thinking about her. Sometimes when I least expect it. Again, Oh Man WTF…..Yeah, a negative post (Sort Of). Feelings though

I miss you mom. R.I.P.

Blessings and Love!

Thank you.

Deceit.

Deceit

When you hear the word deceit what does it mean to you? 

How does deceit make you feel? 

Why does it make some of us pained? 

Well, it is hurtful to get deceived and constantly being lied to, when you are a good person and love hard. Someone who is willing to lie, cheat, and steal to hurt you and they know that what they are doing is hurting you that person is leading with deceit they are so deceitful. Hiding their true intentions with the lies, sweet talk, gifts, and all the fake love they give. I have been in certain situations when a person was deceitful and wanted to bring harm to me and I was being nice, maybe stupid by loving them and was getting used the whole time. Yes, thankful I found out when I did.  

Some people are just that way and nothing we can do about it but leave them alone. Especially when you start to see the signs, it is best to leave. I wish I can get inside people head to see what they are really thinking and to somewhat better understand and deal with them. Because right now I just do not understand why people like that do it. Yeah, I know its apart of life, a part of learning lessons. I know some like to lie and be deceitful just to see what they can get away with it. Some see it as a job deceiving, scamming, to make money. Man, these people and their deceitful ways smh..  

Sometimes we feel so hurt by deceit and that is where the trusting others come in. Being aware of who and what is around us. People will try you suck you dry verbally, emotionally, physical, and financial. Craziness, right? You must learn from those past deceitful situations, and that can be hard sometimes.  

My feeling/thoughts tonight… My wondering mind lol. F Deceit!

Blessings All! 

Thank you for reading.