Sometimes I hate that I am so guarded, and I keep everything in. emotions are bottled up and I do not show that side of me. I do not fully put my feelings out there because I have feelings of being wronged and hurt. I do not like to love and be vulnerable, people will use that against you. That is why I guard my mind and my heart. It is true that I can be afraid of rejection. I do not trust easily either I have major trust issues and I know that is holding me back, but I cannot just fully put my trust in others. I am also guarded because I feel like people have negative motives, and I do not like that shit. I am guarded because I have not healed from my past, I need to let go and move on. Is it bad that I cannot let my guard down? Working on changing that, maybe just do not want to get hurt anymore I’ so freaking over it. I am just thinking out loud, my crazy thoughts. SMH it how I am feeling though. My heart is guarded. I need help!
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Tonight, I feel like I am over thinking and over analyzing over a person and a situation. The situation is making me want to write a rage 3. Here we go again!
Have you ever had that feeling that something is meant to be? Or
You constantly think of someone or something and think what if? Or
Should I have made that choice? Should I have gave that person a chance?
My feelings tonight, of course I had to let it out…. (About to burst)
Wow so many mixed emotions tonight, sorry I am all over the place. As always, a certain somebody is on my mind, yes still thinking about him every day. As of a couple months ago we have not been really talking, but I do get random texts from him and it gets me excited. When I respond to the text, I do not get a reply, then weeks later another text and the same thing. Like damn it is getting on my damn nerves. I keep telling myself to let him go and try not to think about him. But then I also tell myself to let him know how I feel, quit being scared and get it over with. Or ask him how he feels about me I feel like a teenaged girl and weird. Should I be feeling this way at my age? do not know why I get so nervous about him. Damn. Tired of him being on my mind, in my thought and feelings and not knowing where we stand. It must be a reason why I am always thinking of him, this is my third post about my feelings for him, ugh craziness. Then I think about what if he does feel the same way as me, should we date? Should we try for a relationship? All sorts of thoughts going through my head and maybe because I might be afraid to fall in love, yes, I like him a lot, but I am still unsure when it comes to loving someone and being in a relationship do not know if I am ready or not. My heart is so guarded, and I tell myself to take a chance, go for it. Put it all out on the line what is the worst that can happen? Again, I need to quit being scared about the situation. Well leaning towards asking him take it from there. This love thing is crazy and probably not for me, but we shall see. Wish me luck. Tell me am I the only one? Again, feeling weird about it. What should I do? Help!
Yesterday was a hard day for me. I had to take a moment for myself. I sat on my bed rocking back and forth and taking deep breaths. Minutes before that I was in attack mode. I felt hurt and just rage and wanted to do damage to that person. Ugh I do not like having this feeling and I am glad I walked away because the way I was feeling was madness and did not want to do anything stupid. So, I had to take some deep breaths and put on some music to calm myself. I hate that I let someone get the best of me and got me out of control for a minute. I also had to pray for strength, I was a different person and had to check myself really quick. Right now, I am still a little upset, but happy the situation is over and nothing bad happened. I kept it cool. Very thankful and proud of myself for having the strength to walk away.
I will continue to pray for strength and guidance. Really trying to have peace, get to my happiness. Have you ever been in a scary situation before? How did you deal with it?