So tonight, I am excited. I have finished the rough draft of my first book. It has been a rough few months, but I made it happen. Started working on it 10 months ago. My passion and was dedicated to the process and continuing on. Wow, I am really done with it, well still must edit. Wanted to share the good news here on my blog. I don’t know if I should be this excited. There are still ways to go. For the rest of the week I will be done with edits and working on book covers. For the rest of the night, I am relaxing and mentally prepared myself for the next steps. Also, will be finishing up my poetry book soon. I am in a zone and the pen flowing. I love it. Again, want to give thanks to those who gave encouraging words and helped me on this writing journey of mine.
Hopefully, editing will be done by this weekend. I have 18 chapters to go through so I know I will be busy with work, and this. I got this I am ready! My grandma and mom would be proud. I also have good and new ideas for my blog, so I am excited about everything. Happy night for me! Okay, do not want to keep rambling…
Exciting Monday night. How is the night going for you? Ready for the week ahead? Hope you all have a good one!!!
My heart and mind are heavy, my heart hurts. I feel broken and I have been trying to remain positive and pray about my life and the feelings I have. I have made post about being positive and taking care of self, but lately nothing is working for me. I feel so empty and lost. Since my mom has passed away it seems that everything in my life, the past has surfaced. I am constantly thinking of the bad, cruel, and all the shitty things that has happened to me since I was a child hate this feeling and I do not know why everything is coming to mind and heart. I try to keep busy, so I do not think about stuff, but no matter what it happens, I’m thinking and sad and crying. Another thing is the nightmares which that right there is scary some things happened to me, and I still have nightmares about it and also nightmares of me seeing my mom’s lifeless body. That is why I have not been sleeping really. I see my mom and her condition before she passed. I was taking care of her while she was in hospice care from home and watching her day-by-day change and watching her body fail and seeing her take her last breath the look on her face and all, that is what I see when I am trying to sleep. It was so hard to see and horrible going through it. It is still hard for me it has been four months and I’m not over it at all. I do not know what to do. Yes, I am not going to lie I am mad, mad at the world, and mad at myself. I have been feeling like I do not want to be here on this earth. Like, why cannot I shake these feelings, I do not like feeling this way, all I do lately is cry, cry, cry, cry. Why is it so hard? I have been too much in my mind and in the past for some weeks now, and it has me all messed up, and very emotional.
Damn, what is going on with me? For those who have lost someone, how do you go on? How to you heal?
It is hard and I feel very lonely and scared ad mainly scared of myself. Again, trying to make it through the days but it seems my life is spiraling. Sigh, what to do? Letting it all out tonight. My feelings, my thoughts sorry to those who feel it is a dark and negative blog entry. I am my true self and I express my true. Just going through a lot and emotional and need to vent. Thank you for reading.
I try my best to keep a clear head and positive thoughts but right now I just feel so low and alone. I feel like somethings will never change, and I have to really accept that, and it is hard. Especially when you work your hardest to make things work out for the better. I just feel so lost right now and do not know what to do. This is so annoying the feeling of hopelessness. And at the moment I have to walk away from the BS it is not worth my peace. Sometimes people just drain you, ugh irritating and painful.
Guess I will try to do some writing and hopefully that will get my mind off things for a while. It is kind of hectic at the moment.
What do you do when you feel this way? Lost? Hopeless? What do you do to relieve stress? How do you get over the pain of someone you love doing you wrong? How do you walk away without feeling bad about it? Why? How? Help!!!
I will continue to pray for strength and guidance because I really need it right not. I will continue to love me through what is going on. Please pray for me. And forgive me for the rambling just sitting here thinking and wanted to share.
This will pass I know just getting the thought out my mind like always. Hope you all are having a good day. Hope you have a good night.
Have you ever met somebody, and you hit it off, and you two get along? The good conversations, then boom it freaking ends. Ugh I hate that. That is why I try not to get too attached and get my feelings involved, because people will switch up and change on you. Like do not introduce me to that if you cannot keep it up. I do not like the “oh I will talk to you only on my time” which is when or who knows when can you say irritated? I like consistency is that hard to ask for? I also do not like my time wasted that is so annoying or do not like my damn feelings hurt. These days it is so hard to find a nice genuine person like myself. Maybe I will take a seat and focus on me. Time to myself and not worrying about pleasing the next person. I really liked the person but oh well what can you do? I will move on and let it go. Whatever. Wasted my damn time, SMH
When you think of control what does it mean to you?
Control to me is having a say over any and everything. Have to be up close and have a hand in everything that is going on around you. Including control over people.
Man, man, man I hate when things are out of my control. I am a Leo and yes sometimes I am bossy and must control everything around me. When something is out of my control, I feel lost, nervous, my body shakes I feel anxious and I get easily irritated. Anybody else like that? I be a nervous wreck and constantly questioning everything. Then I am overthinking and worrying, crazy huh?
Some people say to me that its ok to let go of having control over everything and relax. It is hard to do that thought. I have been thinking about it lately and maybe I should let go a little, take it one day at a time, relax, do not go overboard, and try to run people lives. I mean how hard can it be? Where do I start? Are there any other control freaks out there? Help lol
My mind is hazy my eyes are watered I am confused as I look down at the object in my hand, I could not have, no this is not happening. As I look around me and see all the damage that was done, I start panicking and screaming the mess before me was a terrifying scene.
I ran to the bathroom and the face before me was not mine. Who is this person what have they done with the old me?
Then I look down at my bloody hands trying to figure what has happened I try washing the blood from my hands and arm I am scrubbing hard and screaming the word no over and over. Then there was pain all through my body, then DARKNESS………… WTF