When you think of control what does it mean to you?
Control to me is having a say over any and everything. Have to be up close and have a hand in everything that is going on around you. Including control over people.
Man, man, man I hate when things are out of my control. I am a Leo and yes sometimes I am bossy and must control everything around me. When something is out of my control, I feel lost, nervous, my body shakes I feel anxious and I get easily irritated. Anybody else like that? I be a nervous wreck and constantly questioning everything. Then I am overthinking and worrying, crazy huh?
Some people say to me that its ok to let go of having control over everything and relax. It is hard to do that thought. I have been thinking about it lately and maybe I should let go a little, take it one day at a time, relax, do not go overboard, and try to run people lives. I mean how hard can it be? Where do I start? Are there any other control freaks out there? Help lol
So tonight, I am sitting and thinking. And of course, this damn dude is on my mind. Like what the fuck, why? My emotions are everywhere and yes, I am a little tipsy and besides what I am dealing with I am thinking of him. Again why? Oh, my yall I am irritating my damn self at the moment. Cannot help but to think is this real? Does he really feel the same way I do, shit does he really like me? Here I go feeling young-minded and questioning myself and the situation instead of letting it all go and that is not good. Just feel confused and out of it, maybe I should just walk away and forget it all thought it was what I wanted but I do not know now. I have mixed emotions and we are both dealing with things. That is why I do not like putting my feelings out there I feel dumb and used it to benefit them talk and texting on their time. Thinking yeah it is too good to be true. Just wish I could find realness, real love besides what I can offer. Ugh it's
too good to be true and I am pissed off. I really need a friend and love I feel dumb and stupid and I am thinking why me why I cannot get what I give. Venting, thinking, and letting it all out, I am rambling, ugh irritated though.
“You are not crazy the things that happened to you hurt. The things they said that broke your heart, it broke your heart. the abuse you endured by their hands and mouth, you endured it. You are not crazy, you lived through trauma, pain, and unbelievable hurt that has changed you forever. That makes you a fighter with a memoir of scars, a warrior birthed in the mess of life. What a brave soul you are”
My mind is hazy my eyes are watered I am confused as I look down at the object in my hand, I could not have, no this is not happening. As I look around me and see all the damage that was done, I start panicking and screaming the mess before me was a terrifying scene.
I ran to the bathroom and the face before me was not mine. Who is this person what have they done with the old me?
Then I look down at my bloody hands trying to figure what has happened I try washing the blood from my hands and arm I am scrubbing hard and screaming the word no over and over. Then there was pain all through my body, then DARKNESS………… WTF