Tag Archives: Truth

Not What You Want.

Poems, poetry, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

In the depths of my heart, I know it’s true

That what I offer is not enough for you

I’m not the one who can fulfill your needs

And I fear my love will only cause you to bleed

I want to be the one who makes you smile

But it seems that I fall short by a mile

My flaws and faults are too much to bear

And I can’t escape this feeling of despair

I wish that I could be the perfect one

To hold you close until the setting sun

But my love is not enough to make you stay

And I am left to face another lonely day

Perhaps one day I’ll find the strength to see

That I deserve a love that’s meant to be

Until then, I’ll try to learn and grow

And pray that the pain inside will soon let go.

The sad truth is, I am not what you want….

-Not What You Want.-

Blessings and Love!

Thank you for reading.

50/50 

thoughts, , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes I wish I could be a people pleaser. Forever. Be what everyone wants me to be at all times. Sometimes I feel that way. On the other hand, I am tired of it. At my age and how I have been feeling these days I want to focus on my kids and myself. I feel like I have spent half of my life doing for others no matter what and have nothing to show for it. Nobody has or is doing the same for me. 50/50. Some people want you to jump and be there for them whenever, and they can care less about what is going on with you or how you are doing. It is all about what they can get out of you. Again, I am so tired of it. Feeling like if it is not about my kids or anything for them it is not for me. They are my main focus no matter what. At my age, I do need to get back to loving myself and doing better. 50/50. Sometimes I do wish life could be all about me, myself, and I. my wants and needs. There are times when I feel like I do not know who I am and what I really like when it comes to certain things. I have always been wrapped in other people’s lives and problems and what they needed. Here i am thinking life has passed me by, it’s all a blur and I am constantly trying to make things clearer. 50/50. The 50 percent of my life that was mine and the other 50 percent that was not. It is a 50/50 thing. 

-50/50- 

Blessings and Love! 

Thank you for reading. 

Contradictions…

thoughts, , , , , , , , , , ,

Have you ever been in a situation where your feelings are deep for someone, yet you cannot explain it to them. You are too much in your head and in a way, you are a walking contradiction. What do I mean? I am glad yall asked. I say walking contradiction because I want one thing but act and say another thing. 

An example, I always say that communication is key in any type of relationship, and I like open communication. I like for people to be able to come and talk to me about anything. On the other hand, I do not like to talk all the time and indeed be in my head. I shut down and do not want to talk to anyone about anything. I just cut people off until I feel like I am ready to talk to them again. That is contradiction number one. Another example is I also have a problem with accountability. I want someone to own up to the shit they have done and own up to the crazy ways they acted. I try to get them to understand the way they acted. On the other hand, sometimes, I feel like I said what I said, did what I did and that is that. I expect a person to deal with it. Or I try to avoid talking about it. Not with everything but from time to time I get like this. I know that it is not right. That is contradiction number two. Another one is being open minded, that is what I want from others but me, myself, is really not open minded, I try to be, but I am so closed off and sometimes I am not open to new things. Damn. Contradiction number three. Control is a big one…. I do not like people who are super controlling, yet I can be. I like to be in control over everything I do. If I am not in control I feel out of place and full of anxiety. Contradiction number four. 

I know these are not good traits I have, and I have been working on all of them!

Again, I am a walking contradiction, and I can be honest about it. Always real with myself above the rest. 

Anybody else like this? What are some contradictions you face? 

Blessings and Love 

Thank you for reading, 

**My inner thoughts/venting** Homegirl Just Being Honest! 

Trauma’s 

Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

In the depths of my mind, lies a pain so deep 
A childhood trauma that I struggle to keep 
It haunts me every moment, every day and night 
A constant reminder of a time that wasn’t right 

I was once a child, so innocent and pure 
But the world around me was harsh and obscure 
My childhood was stolen, my memories erased 
Left with scars that time could never erase 

But I refuse to let my past define me 
I’ll fight with all my strength, till I am free 
I’ll rise above the pain, the hurt, and the fear 
And find the light that shines so clear 

I’ll take back my life, one step at a time 
And leave the shadows of my past behind 
I’ll be the hero of my own epic tale 
And conquer the demons that once made me frail 

For I am stronger than the pain I bear 
And with each passing day, I’ll show I care 
I’ll break free from the chains of my past 
And find the peace that will forever last. 

Blessings and Love! 

Thank you for reading. 

Honest-Feels Tonight

thoughts, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello All,

Man, tonight is not a good night. I have been trying to have a positive outlook, and thoughts about life and have been encouraging others to do the same. But me being honest lately it has been hard to do. Especially today. Tonight, my thoughts are dark, and I have been drinking for hours, which I am not supposed to be doing. Without a damn care in the world. Honestly right now my feelings are numb. I do not care about shit right now, and yeah maybe it is the liquor or maybe my wicked thought’s, how I feel about myself at the moment. I want to unleash. Fight mode. Hurting. All day I have being giving myself pep talks and trying to rise above this dark feeling.

But I am tired. Tired of being there for people who can’t help me with shit. It is only so much a person can take. People who I cannot call on to even talk to.  Tired of it all. All I do is give to others, while I am suffering through a lot. Help them always in their time of need. But who is there for me. And yes, I know you should not help others and look for something in return, but damn people I help sometimes I wish I can call them and need them.

Often, I feel like my feelings do not matter at all. It is all about what a person can get out of me. SAD but it is a truth in my life. You’ll think I will be use to it by now. Same shit different day…

So here I am writing in my notebook and my blog and about to tune everything out. Phone is off, tv is off. Just drinking and thinking (SMH) hopefully this would pass, been here before and it is not good.

Venting and letting it out as always, no matter what it is. If you think this is too dark or not for you. MOVE ON. VENT SESSION

Just rambling on and venting. Just wish I had a person for me to talk to about anything. Yes I am guarded but still haven’t met a person who I trust enough to let them in and be vulnerable with them. Sill working on it,

Anyways back to my fucked-up night. Writing and music take me away.

Hope you all night is better!

My misery does not like company! Even though I go through a lot I do not wish it on others.

She just being HONEST. Tired of it ALL

Have a good one.

Blessings and Love

Thank you for reading.

Little Girl Lost

Poems, thoughts, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello All,

I wrote this a couple years ago. It is one of my favorites!!! Wanted to share again. hope you like and enjoy it.

Lost Little Girl

Little lost girl

Fighting to find her way

Lost with no direction

Sad eyes, heart hurting, mind racing

Wounds open, flesh

Lost little girl

Thrown to the wolves, the sharks, the bad

The ugly, clowns, death

Raging to get free

Surrounded by the unknown, Dark

Lost little girl

Scared, shocked, afraid

Alone, cold, wondering

Mad, darkness, raged, shaking

Lost in a world, no clue

She is lost, no soul, no nothing

Lost little girl

Can she be found???

Thank You For Reading.

****A Poem!!****

Learn to Love

poetry, thoughts, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Gentle guidance, patient pace

Learning to love, a daunting race

Heart aflutter, mind a maze

Fumbling steps, unsure ways

With each stumble, we grow wise

Love’s mysteries, we begin to surmise

Through trials and errors, we improvise

And in our hearts, love multiplies

The ghazal of love, a journey long

But with each step, we grow strong

Learning to love, a lifelong song

With each verse, our hearts belong.

-Learn to Love-

Blessings and Love

Thank you for reading.

Distant

poetry, , , , , , , , , , , ,

D- Disconnected

I-  Invisible

S- Savage

T- Tempered

A-Attitude

N- Nonchalant

T- Terrible

Disconnected in this world

Again, that feeling of being

Invisible in a crowed place

Savage I am, no other way

This irrational

Temper won’t let me be

Attitude bad, and oh so

Nonchalant too

And that feeling of doing things so

Terrible

Distant I must be.

-Distant-

Blessings and Love!

Thank you for reading.

Battle With Myself II

Poems, thoughts, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Battle with Myself II

Still here battling the

Inner me

Scars that scream out

Damn these struggles

Even with them I

Try to rise above

Within the struggles

Remain

Beautiful

Smart

Woman

Remain positive

Stand my ground

Battles that I try

To overcome

Try not to

Let it keep

Me down

Get the grasp

Of life

Love

Hope

The world

Even with these battles

I am becoming

One with me

Grown woman

Inner me

Battles

It will not last long

Well

That is what they say

Battles

Do not stay

They leave wounds

Battle in me

Going to

Go down

I will keep

Fighting

Destroying

Who comes against me

Taking them as they come

Struggle/battles

Life battles

I will win

Even with

The demons within

The dark side of ME

Still this

Battle within myself

Will subside.

A work in progress

Or maybe

The

Battle with myself continues….

Blessings and Love!

Thank you for reading.

**A Poem**

Battle with myself

Abandonment

Poems, , , , , , , , , , , ,

How it started and when it started

This feeling on being unwanted

Abandoned

As a child, as a teen

As an adult

Being told at a young age

I’m not special enough

Cute enough

Smart enough

That I am nothing at all

Left alone

Abandoned

By those who said they love me

Would always be there

But you see they are

Gone, nowhere to be found

Abandoned

Searching for answers

Feeling of being alone

Closed in, nowhere to turn, fearful

Can’t speak, Afraid

My voice does not matter

Abandonment

Got me feeling no one cares

Abandonment

Screaming out for help

Being left, being unheard

Being let down constantly

Abandoned

Even by myself

I let me down too

Abandoned

Feeling of being ashamed

Of my pain, my scars

The fucked up past

Lifeless

Why though?

Being abandoned so young

Made me grow into darkness

Abandonment

Something I still try to get over

Abandoned

Feeling lost

Unwanted

Unloved

It is too much of a feeling

This sad, and fucked up feeling of

A nobody

Lost soul

Feelings of and truth of..

Abandoned

Thank you for reading.