Want to say Happy Heavenly Birthday to my mom. Even though I am sad and still hurt that she is not here I am going to be strong today. Do my writing like I know she wants me to continue to do. Really wish I can hear her voice but again I am going to make it through this day with happy memories of her. Missing her so much and still praying for healing and strength. I love and miss you, mom. Just Showing love to my mom. And know strength is needed badly. Prayers going up
Just sitting here thinking about the old me. Well back when things were great, and I was happy. I am feeling nostalgic right now. Memories are flooding me. Just thinking and asking myself how I get back there, to my happy self. I feel like I am trying but I am not there yet.
Constantly questioning what am I doing right and what am I doing wrong. Thinking of ways to fix me, I feel like a burden to those around me due to my unhappiness, and feeling down, depressed, and constantly shutting down. I try to hide it and not mention how I am really feeling. But indeed, I am trying to figure it out. I do not know what is going on with me, I pray I get out of this, I pray I get back to the real me.
I want to feel alive again. Just be free and me. Happy and at peace.
Has anyone else felt like this? Do you sometimes feel out of place? Like you do not belong because you are different?
I do not know I am rambling and of course thinking aloud. Maybe Ray’Elaine is in her feelings.
I am still working on me. Always a work in progress. Always room for improvement.
How long does it take for you to really like a person? How long does it take you to let them know how you feel? Do you wait and be patient to see if the feelings are mutual? Or do you let them know right away and deal with the outcome regardless of what it is?
I am asking this because I am an overthinker and I am guarded. So, sometimes I hold back my true feelings and because I do not like rushing at anything. I tend to cut people off early on, regardless of how I feel about them. I question myself constantly as to why I am like this, why do I get scared of being in a relationship? Why do I fear that a person do not really want to be with me? I will avoid them and their questions. Sometimes I think it is because I fear that a person will hurt me, I feel their intentions are not pure (not healthy thinking).
Again, I do not know why I think this way. I hate it because, I have made connections and get along with certain people, they piss me off once and I cut them off with no problem. Yes, that is with family too. I do not like to be hurt, yes I know it is a part of life. I have had it where I do put my feelings out and the other person do not feel the same way and they admit that I was just someone to pass the time ( True as fuck) and I was crushed (No LIE) and want one thing from me( ugh so sad).
I admit here and now that I am scared of love, I am scared of commitment, scared of getting let down by someone I truly love, scared of showing all of me and in return I get shit on my face. It is hard to deal with and no lie, my pride, my ego gets in the way sometimes too. I convince myself that a person is no good for me. I do feel bad to those people who genuinely are there for me, they really care about my feelings, it is real love, and I avoid them because of my own issues, my trust issues. Shit that has noting to do with them. I try to get over this and let things flow. But damn my head and my heart have crazy battles, head-to-head clashing most of the time. I really need help to deal with my crazy ways.
How do I fully let my guard down without so much overthinking? How do I fully put my heart and trust into someone else hands? I feel like I self-sabotage. Been doing this for years and probably missed out on real connections, and opportunities. Wanted to talk about this and let this out because I feel like I have finally met the person for me (I Think) but of course I am overthinking every damn thing, and do not want to move forward. Maybe I feel like he is not really real with me and honestly don’t mean shit to him, and I can definitely be wrong about it all,
Thinking and venting. Crazy I feel more comfortable with writing it out and sharing on my blog before letting him know. But my feelings and how I am dealing with it right now. So WHAT!
My blog peeps I need help (LOL) but seriously cause man, man, man he is on my mind constantly like all day. We have so much in common, I like him way more than I let him know, hell I want him something seriously but like I said above homegirl is scared. But why though?
Okay I am done venting on crazy stuff…. I need to seriously get it together. I am grown and need to act like it!
Anybody understand where I am coming from? Any advice? Been there before?
Just Write 